Milich the Pimp
by Minmei
Summary: [Suikoden 1, 2] A stud gets more than what he bargained for.


Author's note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^.~ 

Don't you just loooooove Milich-sama?! ^^ He's the biggest hunk of man meat I have ever seen!! ^o^ I don't know what is wrong with you ppl, THE MAN IS SO OBVIOUSLY STRAIGHT! XD Behind all the flower titles and frilly clothes, I betcha he's got a chick every night of the week! ^_~ In fact, I bet the whole fag thing is a ruse to pimp the ladies^^! LOLOL! ^.^ And why wouldn't he? ^o^ Look at the manly way he handles everything! ^_^ He uses a sword! ^^ He even killed Gremio! ^o^o^o^ If that doesn't scream man-o-studly liquid-love-on-your-leg super-man, I don't know what does! ^-^ LOL! ^ö^ OMG OMG ^ö^ OMG Wouldn't it be soooooooo kawaii if he and Ronnie Bell got together?! ^______________^ 

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"OUT OF MY BED, YOU TRAMP!" Milich was screaming at some floozy he found under the covers. 

The woman started whining in protest as she tried grabbing at his slick, clean shaven, perfectly sculpted male physique. You know, the kind of body that would make your mama cry. Not to mention your daddy and your seventeen uncles. 

"OUT!!!" Milich furiously ordered, flipping the comforter off of them both, revealing the slut fisherwoman. He hit her in the gut with his foot, kicking her off of the bed. "What a waste of good boot knockin'..." 

Kimberly hopped to her feet, looking all pissed and stuff. "I thought we were enjoying ourselves, damnit! That was the best lay in my life..." 

"You call that a lay?!" The well-groomed man cried in disbelief. "Good God! For a whore, you're certainly the laziest ten minutes I've ever had! And by the way, I won't bother paying you." 

"What are you talking about?! I don't do this for money!" 

"Oh, good. Then you won't mind if I send you a bill later, for the trauma." He scoffed. "God, ten minutes. You're just lucky Mina had to postpone our date until tonight! Now get out." 

"Oh, shove it," the fisherwoman snapped as she gathered all her belongings. 

"Biggest mistake of my life!" he shot back. 

Kimberly shot the man a dirty look as she opened the door. After a couple of seconds of uncomfortable silence, she exited, slamming the door behind her. She headed down the walkway and toward the flowery gate, whereupon out of nowhere, she was struck by lightning and burned to a cinder and became nourishment for the plants and animals living there. 

*** 

About half an hour later, Milich was walking the streets of Gregminster in all his frilly glory. Golden boots over purple spandex tights covered the lower part of him, while a white vest made of pure silk clothed the top half. With the vest, he donned a dark rose scarf adorned with rhinestones and golden beads. And on his arms, he wore a full-size purple feather boa. After all, he had to show off those hard, bulging biceps of his. 

"Milich!" cried a female voice. 

The peacock man turned as a brunette hurried up to him. "Oh, hey, Sarah!" he called. "Are we on for tomorrow?" 

"About that," Sarah started. "I'm sorry, but I can't. If my boyfriend found out, he'd go after you." 

Milich let out a girly laugh. "Oh, so let him! I have nothing to fear!" 

Sarah's eyes brightened. "You mean it?" she said happily, batting her eyelashes at him. 

"Of course!" 

"Oh, thank you!" She moved closer and placed a kiss on his cheek. Then, backing off, she gave him a seductive look, and then continued on her way. 

Milich smiled back until he felt someone touching his rock hard bicep. "Huh?" 

"Hey you," said the young woman with a wink. "Are you ready?" 

"Anytime, Mina," he replied with a grin that curled his thin pretty mustache and showed his perfect pearly whites. He took her arm and they went to the opera. Later, the two headed back to Mina's apartment where they had a whole lot of sex. And then they went to Milich's apartment and did it a whole lot more. Afterward, Mina became a distant memory. 

*** 

The next day in Gregminster palace, pimpin' Milich was having a meeting with the president and the other generals. Not that they were discussing anything important, mind you, but Lepant had concerns about Milich's behavior. 

"I was simply suggesting that we drill the holes in the ladies' room for their own health!" Milich was insisting. "Ventilation in those places can be horrid, so if we could--" 

"It is out of the question!!" Lepant shouted. "We know how you operate. But your reputation is finally catching up with you. Did you know that I was approached by five ladies yesterday who demanded to know why you weren't paying child support?" 

"I haven't a clue as to what you're talking about," the flower general said nervously as he stood up, his face growing hot. 

"I'm sorry, Milich, but until you resolve these issues and cease these troublesome mannerisms of yours, we'll have to suspend you from your duties." 

"Oh...I see." Milich shamefully lowered his head, when small red article of clothing appeared at his feet. "Huh?" He studied it, realizing it to be a pair of panties. 

"Sir," Milich said, looking up. "By any chance, did you let any of those ladies into the palace today?" 

Lepant stared back in confusion. "What do you mean?" 

Milich pointed to the ground by his feet. "Well, this wasn't here before when I was--" Before he could finish, however, he was hit in the face with another pair of women's underpants. The leopard-print knickers clung to his face, though it was him allowing the lower part to block his respiration. "Ahh...Rina..." 

"What is the meaning of this?!" demanded Lepant, looking around the room. 

Milich removed the panties from his face with a sheepish grin. "Nothing, sir. It won't...happen again. Really." Just as he finished saying that, he was simultaneously pelted with a few dozen more pairs. "Wh-what the--?!" He frantically unearthed himself from the panty mountain. "A-all of you...?! Who's been...?!" 

"We're all hot for you, Milich!" cheered Cleo, who was by the window. Tumbling through behind her were Lo Wen, Apple, and Lorelai. 

"Bandits can't steal my heart!" giggled Lo Wen. 

"Shu can't filet my soul!" said Apple. 

It was silent as all attention turned to Lorelai, who hadn't said a word. "Eh..." Lorelai shrugged. "Killey sucks." 

Jeane and Raura suddenly teleported inside the room, on either side of Milich. 

"I'm a transcriber, but I'll let you scroll me anytime," Raura beckoned. "You won't regret it, ho ho ho..." 

"Tee hee, that crystal ball isn't just for decoration, you know," Jeane said, sensually massaging the man's shoulder. "Even runemasters need time to practice, if you know what I mean..." 

"Th-the rumor...about you two..." Milich stammered, his heart pounding. 

"...is a big fat lie!" Jeane snapped, then quickly calmed. "...well, unless, that is...you **want** it to be true. Hee hee hee." 

"Uhhh..." The man staggered back, overwhelmed. 

That's when Valeria, Sonya, and Camille came to his rescue. "Hey, back off!" Valeria snarled as she drew her sword, threatening Jeane's life. 

Sonya did the same with Raura. "You heard the lady." 

"Yes," sighed Camille. "Shame on you both. Poor Milich has been under so much stress lately. It's no wonder he required that bubble bath over at my place..." 

"What?!" Valeria and Sonya cried, turning to face the auburn-haired female general with appalled expressions. 

"You mean at MY place!" Valeria said. 

"No, she means at MY place!" Sonya insisted. 

Camille scoffed. "Oh, please," she said with a scornful look. "If Milich wanted a couple of dogs like you, he'd go to the pound." 

"Say that again!!" Valeria shouted, pouncing on Camille, throwing punches left and right. 

Sonya rushed over, joining in the fight. "Both of you hussies say that again!" 

Milich watched in amazement as more women appeared seemingly out of nowhere to hop into the pile. There was Teresa, Hilda, Anita, and Yoshino...the number just grew by the minute! Was it possible he had affected the lives of this many women? Damn it all, why hadn't he kept track, especially when it meant he had even more stories to brag about to his friends? 

"Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!" wailed Lepant as another woman joined in. "Not Eileen too!!" 

The peacock general smirked to himself. Oh yes, how he had remembered seducing Lepant's wife. However, he was unable to recall the exact day. It had to have been sometime between the dragonriding game with Milia and the menage a trois with Tengaar and Kasumi, and... 

Milich had to laugh at that one as well. Wouldn't Hix be surprised to find out that all the bossing he had endured from Tengaar had been for naught! 

But he quickly brought his attention back to the growing pile of fighting women. And although he had been secretly enjoying it in the beginning, the pure absurdity of it all was beginning to frighten him. "Hey, uh..." he began. "You...uh, ladies...hee hee...well--" He was cut off as two plus-sized, titanic thongs suddenly covered him, followed by their matching-print girdles. 

Milich removed the articles of clothing from his sight to see both Barbara and Marie grinning at him, making little waving gestures at him. His eyes widened in horror. He had certainly had too much sake that night... 

"Eeek...!" he choked out. "Think it's time for some fresh air...!" He bolted from that spot for the exit. However, before he could reach it, another woman walked into the doorway, blocking his path. It was Sierra. 

"Hello, Milich," she said with a sleepy smile on her face. "You left so suddenly the other night, I..." 

"Gotta go!" Milich squeaked, pushing past her. He didn't even make it to the palace entrance when he found two more women blocking his way. 

"Why hello there, you young stud!" Hellion tittered. 

"Granny's been wanting another pollen fix!" Taki added, cackling. 

The flower general let out a girly scream, running past them and out of the palace. He ran past the bridge and into the city itself and found himself out of breath. "Agh...holy crap on a croquette. What is...?" The sound of his cell phone interrupted him. 

(...Yes, cell phone. All studs have cell phones, even in places where the concept has yet to be introduced. And Milich-sama is as studly as they get. So there. ^·^V) 

"Agh...huff, huff...hello?" he said into the phone, finally stopping. "Huh...oh, hey, Vincent! Huff...what's up, man? Huh? Wh-why am I...s-so out of...out of breath? Errr...w-well, the thing is, I..." He stopped, trying to think of one woman he hadn't yet sacked and bragged about. But sadly, no names came to mind. 

Luckily for him, Vincent supplied one. "Her...? Uh, oh yeah! Hehehe...didn't I tell...tell ya? That's me, pimpin' the ladies. Yeah. Well, okay. See you later, man." 

He hid the cell phone with a grin. He was already content with having **the** biggest penis in the whole republic, but now he could indulge in the fame of stories that weren't even true! What a good day... 

Still smiling, Milich looked up to see another woman headed in his direction. Quickly he wiped the expression off of his face. "E-Emilia?" 

The librarian sexily strutted toward him, a pout on her face. "Oh, Milich," she moaned. "We were so good that last month. What happened?" 

"Th-things...happened," Milich replied, becoming nervous again. "Believe me, i-it's not you." 

"Mmm...I'm so glad you said that," she continued as she approached him, putting her arms around him. "Because I want you to take me right here, right now, you Suiko-Casanova." 

"Err...!" The pimpin' general ducked out of her hold and ran off, looking behind his shoulder. Not watching where he was going, he ran right into two more ladies. 

"Whoa, where's the fire?!" exclaimed Oulan. 

"And why don't you watch where you're going?!" demanded Hanna, and then her expression changed. "Oh, wait a minute! It's you, Milich!" 

He could barely speak. "Y...yeah. E-e-excuse me now." He tried to walk around them, but Oulan moved in front of him. 

"Where do you think you're going?" she demanded. 

"H-home?" 

"I don't think so," Oulan stated menacingly. "The food performance at my place, the handcuffs and whips, then leaving me out in the cold, and when it's over, billing me for rims...sorry, honey. It'll be costing you, instead. I also heard you did something similar to Hanna here, not to mention all the other women who have been complaining about you." Grabbing him by the collar, she threw him to the ground and fisted him relentlessly. And not in a good way. 

Hanna joined in, using her sword to swat and pound the man in several places that have yet to be discovered by man, or woman, as in this case. 

Minutes later, Milich pulled himself out of the hurty ouchlike grey cartoon cloud, with Oulan and Hanna still believing they were beating him up. He rushed off around the corner, his skin scraped and bruised in several places, his clothes torn. "Ugh...damnit..." 

"Milich?" called yet another female voice. Leona. 

Milich looked at her, beginning to panic once more. 

"Milich," spoke another woman. 

Milich turned around to see Ronnie Bell staring back at him with hopeful eyes. 

"Milich!" called Oulan and Hanna, who had gathered themselves, appearing beside Leona. 

"Milich," said Emilia, who had also arrived. 

The flower general's jaw dropped as he heard a thunderous chorus in the distance, shouting his name as though it were a tribal chant. 

"Milich! Milich! Milich!" 

Milich shook his head violently. "No, no, no..." 

"Milich?! Milich~!" 

"H-have to get out of here," he murmured to himself as the entire female crowd from the palace appeared. "Eeek!" With a whirl and a couple of sissy steps, he was hurrying off in the other direction. 

"**MilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilichMilich**" The entire group of women ran after him at light speed, each and every one of them hot for his perfectly sculpted bod. 

Minutes later, Milich had reached the safe vicinity of his home. He quickly shut the gate and zipped to his front door, slamming it behind him. Panting like the dog he was, he pressed his sweating back against the door, attempting to catch his breath. He stood there with his heart beating super fast beneath those huge, sexy, rippling pectoral muscles that his shirt had been torn to reveal. 

The chanting grew louder for a second, but then passed. Milich breathed a sigh of relief, and began to grumble. 

"Man, I wish these hos would back up off me." 

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Three weeks later, Kasios and Esmerelda were doing a little shopping. Well, actually, they were just walking around while Esmerelda bitched about all the fashions which were lacking. Kasios, however, had to strongly disagree. 

"Oh please, what would you know about fashion?" said Esmerelda. "You're just a guy in a dress!" 

"It's a bold statement," insisted Kasios with a grin. "C'mon! You gotta live a little! Besides, Milich says..." 

"Milich, Milich, Milich," Esmerelda growled. "That's all you ever talk about. I'm so tired of him always borrowing my scarves without asking..." 

"That's just his nature," the girly man replied. "But when he looks his best, he can help others look their-- hey, what's going on over there?" 

"Huh?" 

Kasios pointed toward a scene taking place directly on the property of Milich Oppenheimer. 

Esmerelda uttered a gasp, and the two hurried over. 

"What's going on?" asked Kasios of one of the guards there. 

The uniformed man turned around to face him. "Oh, it seems Lord Milich was attacked in his home last night. We got him to the hospital, but he was too shaken to speak. Since then, we've just been investigating." 

"Attacked?" repeated Esmerelda. "By whom?" 

"We're not certain," replied the guard. "Are you two friends of his? Maybe you could make sense of the rumors floating around. People are saying that they've seen him with quite a few women. Some witnesses reported that they spotted three females entering Milich's house last night. Would you have any idea of what these women have to do with Lord Milich?" 

Kasios and Esmerelda exchanged glances, and began to snicker. They brought their gaze back at the guard and then, Esmerelda spoke. 

"That fag?" 

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Author's note: ......okay, if you haven't figured it out by now, yes, this is a joke. So nyah. =P 


End file.
